Warmongering

Well here we are, at the one year and counting mark: 01.20.08 ~ which means 366 days til we get to boot Bush & Cheney out of office. Yeehaw, stick it to yer grandma.

That's still a helluva long countdown. Why there isn't a greater movement afoot in this country to impeach the President is beyond me.

Perhaps it's apathy. It must be. People just don't care. No, that's not entirely correct. People care but aren't sure how to mobilize their micro-level concern into macro-level action. And let's face it - when push comes to shove between the lesser of two evils - maintaining status quo versus. going out on a limb - status quo claims victory almost everytime.

Consider the degree to which American civil liberties have been raped, murdered and pillaged.

Wiretapping, Internet searches, racial profiling, surveillance cameras, e-mail, travel histories, library usage, credit card purchases, cellular phone records - the government has the veritable goods on everyone lock, stock and smoking barrel, to the degree that when they say vee haf vays of maykink you tock (a phrase, incidently, that has long shed its German accent in favour of an American twang) - they could be doing a rebub mix called 50 Ways to Spy on Joe Schmoe.

It's scary. And yet complacency still reins. In the name of combatting so-called international terrorism and yes, freedom and justice for all, it's amazing and sadly ironic what citizens will permit, regardless of the fact that by their very nature, said anti-terrorist acts are the antithesis of freedom and at their core, grossly injust.

I'm far from paranoid, but it would seem to me that in a day and age where indentity theft is rampant and mistrust of Big Brother at an all-time high, why would anyone endorse allowing microchips in driver's licenses and passports? Several states are allowing this, mine included.

Pretty soon we won't be able to pee in peace, without worrying that there might be a hidden wireless urine test packet waiting to see if we test positive for drugs and alcohol. That's not far off, I suspect. In fact, high schoolers in many parts of the country - this State included - must now succumb to random drug testing. I hate to even imagine what further injustice might be next for fear federal mind reading and thought control is now alive, well, legislated and privatized. Vee haf vays of maykink you tink bad tots.

And yet, I would be willing to bet the moral majority still believe the United States of America, from a human rights and civil liberties perspective, is a geographic nirvana. I won't mince words but to read them in print, I'll admit they make even this foreigner whince: in some ways I felt more safe and secure during my time in Pakistan than I have since moving here three years ago. It's because we always knew where we stood in a nation like Pakistan. I now stand on common ground, having stepped just across the border on shared North American soil, but I can't help but feel these are uncommon and seismic times, politically and economically speaking.

It's a sad but true reflection of the state of internal and external affairs in this nation, circa 2008. In these past several years, I have had occasion to question, albeit somewhat vicariously, every single civil liberty normally cited - freedom of assembly, freedom of religion, freedom of speech, right to fair trial, right to due process and right to privacy.

So despite having just received my social security card in the mail last week, I'll confess - I'm not feeling all that socially secure in this post-world supremacy age of America, in which tyranny and theocracy and fascism are practically government departments.

Not only does the Pledge of Allegiance read wrong these days (one nation? - tell that to the fractured and fragmented voting public) but so does the Constitution. I always thought it started with "We The People" and ended with words pertaining to an intervention. But what do I know - I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien, I'm a Canadian in the Pacific Northwest. Apparently I'm not the only Canadian who isn't feeling all fourth of July picnic'y. The Canadian government was raked over American coals for listing the U.S. on its torture watch list. After enduring lesser and more subtle forms of torture and pressure, the Cdn. Dept. of Foreign Affairs acquiesed and removed both the U.S. and Israel, its supposed allies, from this list. Better not to bite the hand that feeds one for fear of having it chopped off.

Have you noticed that ever since the Canadian dollar starting kicking America's ass(ets), Uncle Sam and his forgotten mistress, Lady Liberty, have been acting a bit churlish towards his neighbor north of the fence? Methinks the lady and the stamp doth protest too much.

U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates went very public this week in dissing NATO troops in Afghanistan and their apparent lack of skills in counter-insurgency military op - sung to the tune of Blame Canada. Yet when called to task by angry Canadians who were quick to drop their drawers and yell Baiser ma derrière, Monsieur Gates!, he was equally quick to French cheek kiss his neighbor to the north by lavishing heaps of praise and admiration on Canada's troops for their hard work and valour.

It's a bit like the kettle calling the pot black, mais non? Because everyone who's anyone who's no one in the grand scheme knows the U.S. is doing a superlative job in the area of counter-insurgency. It's just so gosh-darn commendable, this whole war and peace business. And throwing $500 billion babies out with the bathwater....that's just so sage, as well.

If 'they' were smart, they would have picked on a kid their own size in a playground considerably closer to home. Holy Hubby commented on this very thing when talk and thoughts turned to the myriad troops stuck overseas during American Thanksgiving and the holidays. That Holy Hub, he's such a fart smeller....he's always thinking.

He noted to his co-workers a couple of months back that the Bush administration could have saved themselves a whole pile of money, time and trouble had they started an oil war with Canada instead. There are so many benefits to waging war against Canada. Think about it.

Americans could finally get even for so many things. Like that unfinished business of the War of 1812, and that worst kept secret, War Plan Red, which never did get off the ground. And lest we not forget the ongoing softwood lumber and beef export issues and those annoying Canadian ex-MPs who say the darnedest things.

And let's face it - everyone wants a piece of the north pole. And practically everyone who has visited both admit the Canadian Rockies are way more beautiful than their US counterpart. Plus, if America claimed victory over Canada, they could finally stand at chance at winning the World Cup in hockey. There'd be no more worrying about long line-ups at Canadian customs and border patrol, or about Hollywood films shooting north of the border....there'd be no more border to worry about.

Think of the savings! Yes, there are innumerable reasons, logistically and economically speaking, why a war with Canada makes sense. Let's talk turkey for a minute. The U.S. could fly their troops home for holidays and holy days like American Thanksgiving and even rotate shifts so everyone got every second or third weekend off. They could cut long-stay government rates with hotels, rather than having to set up the kinds of extensive bases that they do overseas.

And training would be a breeze. Troops would only have to watch the Michael Moore flic, Canadian Bacon in order to pass go and collect their $200 daily per diem in Canadian Monopoly monies.

And if they waged war with resort towns like Whistler and Banff, then everyone would be veritably begging for their call of duty. Better still, if they waged war against Quebec, the rest of Canadians would glady join the American cause.

Just think of the possibilities. The troops wouldn't have to import pork and liquor - pigs and booze are plentiful due north. And for all those stationed to guard the oil sands up in Fort McMurray, there is the dubious other "fringe" benefit of having an umm...ample supply of peeler bars, as well. So the troops would be well fed and happy.

And shhh, don't tell anyone, but we have real weapons of mass destruction, so oil aside, this war could be easily justified. We may not brandish firearms 'cuz, heh, we come in peace, eh?, but we have a formidable arsenal of our own. Like hockey and lacrosse sticks, and curling brooms, and if get really pissed off, we've been known to light Canadian whiskey, Molson Canadian beer and bacon grease on fire whilst chanting, Hey hosers - like take off, eh?! I mean, everyone knows that despite having the world's longest coastline, Canada has virtually no naval force to speak of. The only operational submarines we had were being used for a tourist attraction ride at another of the world's biggest and foremost - West Edmonton Mall - and now they're, well....toasted subs.

And there's a reason those in the know dubbed the not so-perfectly operational Canadian maritime helicopter the Sea Thing. I'm just saying, is all. I won't give away any other military secrets. Suffice to say Canada's lack of military largess is no secret. So all told, it's a no-brainer. And if 'they' hurry, they can jump on it in the remaining days they hold office and who knows, if all goes well, things'll be wrapped up in a few months. Of course that'll suck for us - we'll probably end up getting locked up in some Canuck internment camp somewhere, but I guess all's fare in love and war.

On that note, I suppose I should bid fare thee well to such thoughts. You never know who might be draining the brainwaves.